Question What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?

Answer Homeless

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

An Indian chief and a cavalry captain climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire Indian tribe. The captain says worriedly, "I don't like the sound of those drums." The chief says, "I know. It's not our regular drummer."

What does a drummer use for birth control?

His personality.

How do you get a drummer's eyes to light up? Shine a torch in his ear.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

A drummer goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I swallowed a drumstick", "Are you choking?", replies the Doctor. "No, I really did" says the drummer

A band, with a vegetarian drummer, go to a petting zoo, where there is the usual range of animals and one cute thing they all do not recognise. The bass player goes over to the zoo-keeper and asks him what it is called, then hands him a fiver and says "See the guy there tapping his feet, he is our somewhat dense drummer, go over to him and tell him it is called a Tofu"

A drummer walks into a library and says "Hi. I'll have a burger, fries, and a large coke."

The librarian responds, " you know where you are? This is a library!"

The drummer, sheepishly, and in a whisper says, "Sorry....I'll have a burger, fries and a large coke."

Two drummers are discussing the end of the world on 21st December.

"What you going to do about it then?" asks one

"Get a new sofa"

"WHAT!!!...….Why the heck are you going to get a new sofa?"

"Well" he says "I suspect the DFS sale will not be on on the 22 nd "

No parent in their right mind would give a six year old child a drum set for Xmas, therefore Santa exists!!

(Just after the "World Ended" on 21st December 2012)

Drummer "Seems I missed the end of the world then"

Band "Yes….shame"

The drummer’s wife locked the keys in the car last week. We thought all was going to be lost and we might have to cancel the gig, but after about 30 minutes the drummer managed to get out.

A man walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?"

"You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Yeah. How do you know?"

"This is a travel agents."

I bumped into Rick Allen, the drummer with Def Leppard the other day. Now I haven't ever met him before but unsurprisingly he still only had the one arm.

So after the normal pleasantries, and more out of politeness than any real need to know, I asked Rick where he was off to with the small B&Q bag firmly clutched in his one good hand.

Oh, he replied" I'm off to change a light bulb"

"Isn't that going to be a bit awkward?" I enquired as delicately as I could, while failing to stop my gaze nodding towards his missing arm.

"No" he said "Should be fine, I've got the receipt".

What's the best way to confuse a drummer?

Put a sheet of music in front of him.

How do you get a drummer to stop banging on your door?

Pay for the pizza

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

One question I am asked quite often is "What time does the band finish tonight" and I always give the same answer…..about half a beat behind the drummer.

A little boy goes up to his mum and says "Mum, when I grow up I want to be a drummer", to which she replies "Ah….sweetheart…sadly you cannot do both"

What do you call a drummer at the bottom of Ruislip Lido? A good start.

A local drummer, tired of being ridiculed by Philip at Tropic at Ruislip, decides to change instruments. He goes in to Pro Music in Ickenham, goes up to the sales counter and says, "I’ll take that red trumpet over there, and that accordion".

After a second, the shop assistant says, "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator stays".

What should you throw to a drummer if you see him drowning? His sticks…well wood floats doesn't it?

How many "time perfect" drummers can you fit in a phone box? All of them.

A drummer and bassist in a Led Zep tribute make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like.

Poor Jimmy has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with John the next day.

"John I can't believe this worked. So what is it like in Heaven? "

Jimmy "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news... The good news is that there's a fantastic group of lads up here, we have put a band together and in fact, we're playing "Moby Dick," your favourite piece, tomorrow night at a local venue.

John, "So what's the bad news? "

Jimmy, Well, you're booked to play the solo!

A group of removal men have the job of removing a stage from one venue and installing it at another. They check it is all fine before they dismantle it, take it down and move it piece by piece to the new venue, but when they reassemble it they cannot work out if it is level and cannot find a spirit-level to check it. All too soon the band arrives and starts to set up while the removal men are still scratching their heads.

Then lead removal man, Joe, turns to the rest of the team and proclaims "It’s fine, it’s level, let’s head for the bar. I know it is good because there is dribble coming out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth".

Sound check at the Tropic and it is not going well. The sound is OK but the tempo is wrong, someone is not keeping time…..and naturally all eyes are on the drummer.

"OK, he says, I was playing that too fast, so guys…" he says to his fellow band members, "Tell you what, just tell me what you want" and he throws his sticks down in a huff. "You cannot have it both ways. Do you want it too fast? Or too slow?"

A man goes to a very remote Pacific island for an “Adventure” holiday, where the islands locally have a very bad reputation for all things nefarious.
As the boat nears the island he is staying on, he notices the constant sound of drumming drifting from another island just off-shore. As he gets off the boat, he asks a native how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "Very bad when drumming stops."

Later that day, the drumming is still going and it is really starting to get to him. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he’s just been spooked. "Very bad when drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, the man had had enough. He grabbed the first native he saw, slammed him up against a tree, and shouted, "What happens when the drumming stops?!" The native replied, "Bass solo."

A man was looking for a new brain. He went to a brain surgeon and told him of his problem. The surgeon said, "I only have three brains left."

The man said, "Well what's the cheapest?" The surgeon said, “I have a doctor's brain going cheap."

The man said, "OK, that's great, what else do you have?"

The surgeon said, “I also have the brain of a rocket scientist, but that's just a little more pricy."

The man replied, "Wow if you have the brain of a rocket scientist, the last one must be really smart."

The surgeon said, "The most expensive one I have, is a drummer’s brain."

The man said, “Why is a drummer's brain so expensive?"

The surgeon replied, "We'll because it's never been used before."

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it.

Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them.

He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."

SLAM. Too rich for him.

He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."

SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale.

He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."

SLAM. How about 60?

"Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."

SLAM. It was getting pretty bad.

He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling whilst watching Jeremy Kyle on TV.

Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But open it he did, and in there were just two chaps.

"So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"

Why is a big drum kit so much better than a small one at the seaside, even when neither is being played? Because the big one makes a much bigger, better and more re-assuring sound when dropped off a cliff.

After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moves out of the house and Mum and Dad announce they are getting a divorce. The kids are distraught and hire a marriage counsellor as a last resort at keeping their parents together.

The counsellor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't talk to each other. Finally, he goes out to his van, and starts bringing in a drum kit, much to everyone’s puzzlement and then begins to play.

After a minute or so, the couple starts talking.

They discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try. The kids are amazed and ask the counsellor how he managed to do it.

He replies, "I've never seen anyone who wouldn't talk through a drum solo."


Why, at Tropic’, when we have a break is it only for about 20 minutes?


Because, were it to be longer, the drummer would have to be re-trained.

Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!"

They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road.

The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!"

The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.

The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

A sax player dies and goes to the pearly gates. St Peter says "Sorry, too much partying you have to go to the other place".

The lift doors open and he goes down down down and into a huge bar.

All the greatest musicians were on stage earlier, but on his arrival are on a break, John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix, they are all there. He goes over to Louis Armstrong and says. "Hey this can't be Hell all the best people are playing here". Louis say's "You’re wrong, it’s terrible, Karen Carpenter is on drums".

A drummer is totally fed up as his fellow band members say his timing is terrible. He decides to end it all, and throws himself behind a train.

A drummer wanted to study music at music school. During his entrance exam the examiner played him the notes C and E, and then asked him to identify what he'd just heard. His confused expression showed that he had no idea what the interval was. He asked "Could I hear it again?...I'm not quite sure yet." The examiner played the notes again. "Hmmm I'm still not more time please." The examiner played the notes once more. The drummer's face lit up "I've got it!...It's a piano isn't it?!"

The band were sick of their drummer and decided to get a drum machine. They went to Pro Music in Ickenham and asked for the “most realistic drum machine you have”. The guy their said he would have to order it and it would arrive “in a week”. It truly was the most realistic drum machine ever, three weeks now and it still has not turned up.

Why is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

Q. Why did the punk rock drummer cross the road?
A. He was stapled to the chicken.

Tony, the drummer walks in to a band practise session complaining of pain in his elbow. Fearful they might have to cancel the upcoming gig the singer asks him what’s up. "I think I have got piles" he says. The singer turns to the bass player and says, "Well that confirms what we have been saying all along, he really does not know his ar*e from his elbow"

In the pub are a motley collection of oddballs that are actually all drummers, and they are all raising a toast to each other and saying "51 days!, 51 days!"

More and more keep coming in, they are all ordering drinks and yelling "51 days! 51 days!"

The bartender has a puzzled look on his face as more come into the bar and order more and more drinks and chant.

Finally, the bartender asks one of the drummers why they are all celebrating and chanting "51 days, 51 days!" the drummer answers with, "well, we all just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 51 days and the box said 2 to 4 years…."

A bass player and a guitarist were seated next to a drummer on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the bass player bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious fry up and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the guitarist responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the drummer remained silent, the guitarist smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the bass player arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

What's the difference between a drummer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Two drummers walk past a bar………..

St. Peter is checking IDs at the Pearly Gates.

He asks a man: "What did you do on Earth?" The man says: "I was a doctor." St. Peter says: "OK, go right through those pearly gates.

Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a schoolteacher," the man replies. "Go right through those pearly gates.

Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a drummer," the man replies. "Go around the side, up in the “Goods In” lift, and come in through the kitchen..."


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